7:19pm // unedited
It’s a new full moon soon, at 7:22pm. I’ve spent the last couple hours looking through my transits and preparing to put into writing the lessons I feel swelling up in me.
The Sun and Moon in Leo conjunct a Rx Mercury are transiting my 11H directly opposing Pluto in Aquarius which is transiting my 5H, activating my natal Mercury which sits in the 5H as well.
I am being pulled in (at least) 2 different directions. This will likely be a lesson on balance, and not falling into any one energy at the expense of the other. I instead must learn how to handle both energies so the best parts of them come alive. The transformative energy Pluto in Aquarius brings to my joy, creations and self-expression(5H) must be held in opposition to the regal Leo energy that the Sun, Moon and Rx Mercury currently bring to my connections, groups, and gains, in the house of my natal Leo Mars (11H). My focus for this delineation is actually on how the 5th and 11th houses reinforce each other with their opposition. In the 11th we attract likeminded connections to us — through the expression of self we nurture in the 5th. While the new moon energy resides in the 11th for me, the moon being a receptor, receives the energy directly opposite it from the 5th, during this transit.
INTERP
This new moon requires that I revisit what it means to me to belong in any grouping. In a friend group, in a shared interest group, in the linking and connective places of my life. How do I balance my belonging to groups with the fullest expression of the self? 7:22pm.
Blessings from the new Moon in Leo ♡ !
At the exact time of the full moon I briefly thought about the number of wedding invitations I have received lately, mostly from cis men, some of whom are in social groups I associate myself with. Today I received an invite from my piercer whose getting married in a few weekends. I told him I was happy for him and added a wow — for effect. I wouldn’t be attending. In actual truth, I really don’t care. There are many parts of the CIS patriarchy I no longer care to engage with and marriage is one. Attending weddings doesn’t bring me any joy it just irritates me to be forced to see so many straight (and supporting) people and uphold some semblance of the state and religion (usually church). I have felt this way for a long time, but have still carried on attending once in a while. It made sense to meander my self around the social cues of weddings and marriage, when I took into consideration what they meant to most people. It’s considered evil eye after all to not be happy about a person’s wedding, when they think you’re friends at the very least. I think the true evil eye is having me there, bored, unimpressed and secretly hoping it ends in divorce. and while it’s true that it didn’t use to irritate me this much a few years ago, it really really does now.
Knowing that I am queer and have chosen “unconventional” partnerships which are unsupported by the state I live in, every wedding invite feels like a jab, a sticking out of the tongue at me. As time passes by, I have become a person who can at best, only tolerate them, and even then when the players are queer. I don’t enjoy feeling coerced by friendship or connection into attending a contract between anyone and the neocolonial state and fascist religion. If it really is love, then let how you seal it be your business, and that of those who uphold the current status quo with you. I don’t want inclusion here. Expressing myself about this is tricky, because by default people feel like the center of the(ir) world, as they should be, but this means they easily project other people’s communications onto their entire world space, spiraling through what it means for them. Many even go on to reason that if they were “special” enough, I would tweak my tolerance levels for them, or bend whatever feminist principle I’m linking these values to — because to them it must just be that, these can’t be spiritual beliefs at the very least. and yet they are. queerness is earnestly spiritual to me. Often cis men and women don’t seem to understand the true difference in our ideals, and what it means for queer friends to have to do the things that are cis and heteronormative, for them. There’s something missing both ways in our understandings of each other because I don’t understand why not wanting to be at a wedding would mean anything about how I feel about them/our connection, whereas they also do not understand why I don’t see just how important it is for them to be fully supported by all the people they love on their “big day”.
Although I do see it — but it’s just not a big day for me. And maybe I could brave through it for a loved one, but given that it also directly threatens and undermines the space I continue to have to shrink in as a queer person in a country where it is unsafe for effeminate men to even hold hands, I really don’t see why I must be the one to submit to any social norm here. I actually wish people cared that these things are as important to me, as their things are to them. I want us all to only do the things we respect.
This tense dynamic between my identity, self expression and the connections I have manifests in so many different ways, weddings is just one of them. I swing back and forth between the pendulum of self, and connection. At times I betray myself, and give in to a friend, and other times I affirm myself and my choices without budging. Aquarius brings a futuristic alien quality to my 5H and being ruled by Saturn, it’s clear the results here will only be revealed over time. In a nutshell, I need to be comfortable with being viewed as ahead of the times, alien, and bizarre in my self expression. I can’t want quick results either — time is my only comfort here.
While thinking on the new moon and the freshness it could bring to my old connections, I observed that it is only fear of disappointing people that keeps me from finding my truest connections. There’s no simple way around something like that — the only person any change is required of here, is me. I’m the one who needs to embrace the discomfort that comes with disappointing people by being my true self. Only then will I find the people who I am really like, who I really like and who I am connected to. I need to disappoint the connections that stifle me in any way, so they can also at least have the opportunity to experience the true me. Maybe we will build more earnest relationships around our differences here. My new moon mantra becomes clearer; To find your true place in life, life must experience your true self.
Whatever I decide to do next, I know it will most likely not be a pleasant experience. Pluto transits while transforming, are not always easy or enjoyable. But my self expression is worth it, and there is all the energy available to me to try now.
7:44