12:02pm // unedited
“…when all is said and done, you’ll believe god is a woman…”
Music plays in the background as I think. I started the day by delineating the natal placements which explain and support my labor, movement and daily routines. At the moment I’m interested in what I use my energy for physically, in my day to day life and my work day. I’m learning about how I can be more efficient and preserving of myself. My focus is my natal Leo Mars and Pisces 6H. My natal Sun-Saturn conjunction in Pisces is a source of some inner tension but I will do my best to face that today. Both planets are out of sect and conjunct in my sixth — I think the discomfort that underlines the experiences of out-of-sect placements is part of what keeps me from diving deeply into personal significations of this house for me. I’ve only ever committed to it, with other people’s charts. Labor, routine, illness, pets and workers. Hats off to Saturn I dread whatever I will find. While writing this though, I noticed that both Sun and Moon are transiting the sign of my natal mars (Leo). It feels apt to be doing this now.
While exploring the things that fill me with dread, I zeroed in on patterns that are informed by proximity to my identity. With issues that are further away from me the individual, I feel almost no tension/dread exploring and learning and discovering whatever is available. I currently feel very enthusiastic about studying astrological generations. What do Pluto, Neptune and Uranus teach us about some of the core differences across generations ? How do astrologers across these different generations hone and present their craft? What are their unique gifts and genius expressions? Their biases and blind spots? How do you study the birth chart of an entire generation? What would you treat the rising sign as? Can periods of time that are that vaguely defined even be usefully cast into astrological charts? As I write I anticipate all the different sources I will have to pore through and the wonder that I will most likely find in my journey through these curiosities. Last week I thought of doing something similar — a mundane astrology study on Ghana through outer planet transits. But instead of excitement I felt wary, and uninspired. It feels nothing like a fun puzzle — I live in this country where every other week there’s some tragedy borne out of horrible gov’t policy. I don’t think I want to see the astrology of why we are struggling with illegal mining. The truth is I’m afraid that knowing won’t change anything. See, this isn’t even true. Maleficence is afoot.
There are many ways to delineate during house / planetary readings — this is merely one way I think through it.
My Chart:
When I’m peering through my own chart I don’t often feel the same playful activation I feel when I give other people readings — even if it’s for something casual or fun. There’s often dread. It’s clear themes of identity (Sun), feeling (Moon), and optimism (Jupiter) are intertwined here. Sensations in my body are at odds with each other. The part of me that feels dread (pessimism, fear, doubt) I delineate through Saturn. Its natal relationship with the Sun makes me view the (not fleeting) impressions I get as actually a part of my identity. Instead of viewing them as intrusions or emotions to probe in and of themselves, 1:11, I see them as motivations to limit myself, temper my enthusiasm, and contain my self-expression.
Pisces here gives it an illusory quality as well. I get the urge sometimes to contain or deaden myself and so far it seems super random. I’m often unsure whether it’s actually an inner aid that’s subconsciously understanding some social cue and helping me adjust to a new environment, OR that I have spent so much time in scenarios, where feeling different often feels unsafe, which results in stifling myself as a form of protection. I’m unsure, but certain it’s connected to identity. Sun in Pisces stirs up an awareness of my connection to all life. Possibility and relationships can often feel infinitely mystical and magical, and almost religious. But Saturn’s conjunction to this imaginative Sun, colors the effect and occasionally breeds suspicion and distrust towards the ethereal and the cosmos, or at other times, creates delusions I’m unaware of, even if for a few seconds at a time. It’s hard to pin down what Pisces brings anywhere, but that Saturn really makes me want to pin it down. Pisces water flows on its own, sensitive to it’s atmosphere. This is water that feel like anything, based on where it is. It runs through your fingers, not stiff and icy, but too expansive to easily transport or move elsewhere. You can only give it boundary, edges, diversion. That’s Pisces.
My charts relationships with Pisces show me where there’s tension, and what feels easy and simple. Pisces squares my Sagittarius placements. The Sun squares the Moon and Pluto more closely than Jupiter, but they all carry a degree of tension. Without saying much about my childhood and the dynamics of my guardian structure, what I experienced and learned from a religious, heteronormative two-parent household significantly propelled me towards feminist ideals. My feelings, instinct and nature (Moon) were transformed (Pluto) through these experiences. They brought depth (Pluto) and expansion (Jupiter) to my identity and character (Sun). It wasn’t a fun process, but it has made me more optimistic. Thank you Saturn and thank you Jupiter.
Saturn squares the same planets — Pluto by sign and the Moon, loosely, with an exact Jupiter-square. I’m not actually as optimistic, and inspired as I come across. There’s an interesting internal sequence I go through to arrive at the optimism I do. It feels like I have an inner cheerleader, who always keeps flagging the better parts of everything. Even the parts that aren’t pleasurable are spun into some tale for bravery and courage. It really is quite the experience. Even though everything feels fine in the end, I wonder sometimes if this amount of delusion is acceptable. I think it is LOL.
My final thought, is that although my toughest experiences arise from Saturnian transits, Pisces supplies an illusory quality to them. My fears never feel rooted in reality, or even real, but they often rear up in subconscious patterns. It’s the source of a lot of heartache for me.
Night charters, don’t trust Saturn too much.