10:10 // unedited
Hi my lovely morning pages ♡. Feeling interesting, today. This week, I haven’t worked much. I feel a little bad — cause I feel I should, but I really needed some time to myself. Hilarious that I would say this about work, but felt that way still. Idk if it was good to lean into the feeling, but I honored it.
Yesterday I did a contemplation on Psychosis vs Inspiration. Well not exactly a contemplation, rather I spent time chewing on the 61st gene key, and reading on the I Ching’s interpretation of it. Lake over water. It got me quite excited, realizing that some parts of my life story turned out the way they did only because I was freed of some degree of psychosis. I also now accept that things would have naturally turned out the way they did anyway, as I continued to solve for the question “why”. Why as in, why are we here at all, alive. There was a sentence in the chapter that went along the lines of “the question why is both unanswerable and rhetorical”. When I read that, I heard my mind immediately go why?! and LOLed. I think maybe it’s a twisted curiosity in myself. I say twisted because the depths I am trying to reach with that question seem to break the bounds of the logic my human brain has access to right now, and yet what I am demanding is a logical answer. I want to understand why with my logical mind, but I know deep down I am asking a question from a space that seeks to bend the rules of logic. A wayward curiosity. Honestly, I think if I continue down this journey I am already on, I will most likely end up at my source — its beginning and its end — and at that point the question would likely answer itself, or paradoxically, it might even cease to exist within me.
Sigh.
And yet. I feel it pulse in me, always beneath the surface, even as I nudge it to the sides. I can’t help but wonder, why must we even go through all this, and for what purpose? It is of course rhetorical. What I actually mean is — as I live, there are too many instances of me not having a good time or experience, and I don’t enjoy that part of the package of life. My next impulse is to demand an explanation from somewhere, anywhere. WHY are we here?
Anyway. This morning I’ve been thinking about how unfulfilling quite a number of my relationships are. Friendships, family, acquaintances etc. Unfulfilling for me in a deeply immense way. Pause. Pause. I’m only exploring this. People don’t exist for me. If I’m not fulfilled by these relationships, it means what I look for, what I enjoy, what I desire, what I need from external connections, may not be found within these relationships at this time. This isn’t really something I actually want to talk to about with anyone— I feel heavily that there is something deeply personal I am yet to uncover here. That’s the first part. The second, is that I’m interested in knowing whether the connections people have with me are fulfilling and what makes them feel they are if yes, or not, if no. For this I would most likely need to actually speak with people, but I feel no desire to. It might be presumptuous, but I have observed that people are hardly radically honest, even with themselves, and the true purpose for my asking would be obscured in answers that would most likely be curated around making sure I don’t feel bad when I hear their responses — as most caring relationships try to do. The other part of this though is that I find myself wondering, how interested am I really, in being a fulfilling connection for anyone? If I feel I’m not experiencing the same impact in my life, then do my reasons for even trying to be a “good” friend or sibling not skew into some sort of heroism/saviorism and/or self-sacrifice? I could also just be trying to be the best at a thing again, as a Mars in Leo native would, most likely. But do I really care about being a fulfilling friend to people who might not be for me? …Nah. I still do it anyway or try to. Why? 1. So no one can complain about me, 2. so I feel good about myself, 3. so I feel I’m a better person than everyone, but most importantly, 4. so I feel at ease that no one around me is experiencing the same dissatisfaction I am. The gag is, the same way no one really knows what goes on in my inner world — without having probed at least — is how I also have no way of knowing what anyone is thinking, without asking. I might be running around in circles chasing my own tail, thinking I’m out here being a stellar friend, when it isn’t even the case.
whew.
Another huge ball of confusion for me in all this is are interests, and fixations. I think between the person who has a niche interest they want to talk about with anyone, and the person who isn’t interested in the topic at all, I would like to be neither of these people. I enjoy connecting with people, not performing for them. This is a new realization for me because back when I really loved BTS’ music, I didn’t necessarily think I should only talk about with other fans of BTS. This is how I feel now though. I would love to chat about astrology, with those interested in it, consciousness and psychology, with those who already have an interest in it, same with all the other interests I have — feminism, relationship dynamics, world politics, anime, queerness, etc….. I have so many interests, and the world is full of so many people, some just like me. Right now, it feels exhausting, draining, and boring to speak with people who can’t truly engage on what is being talked about. I no longer want to talk to walls, or be a wall. For my connections, I think what I can do is observe everyone’s special interests(most of these are already clear), and then set aside time for them to talk about it. During these times I can try my very best to fully engage, and develop an interest at the very least in how they feel about these things. The only thing I genuinely find unbearable is talking about men. especially when someone is a romantic relationship with one. This is my truth. God I hate it. Maybe that can be my non-negotiable. I also hate talking about money stuff. This person bought this, and this person is making that amount. Just kill me instead. Okay so 2 non-negotiables. That leaves a world of topics I am ready to be curious about, not bad. But the thing is, I’m not sure if a part of friendship is just about bearing with these things. If so then I’m not doing very good at it, I rather feel very disenchanted with it all. in fact the only time I every truly relax, is when I’m with myself. This scares me a little, because I feel myself having less and less of a desire for others, and yet I’m convinced that life is meant to be lived in relationship with people. Well my 7th house of relationships is in Martian-ruled Aries, the sign of the powerful lone warrior-protector, so maybe things will always just be this way for me in this area of life. Maybe what I need to accept is that I’ll only ever be fulfilled, by journeying inwards. IDK.
wow I’ve written a lot today.
I still have more left though.
I think outside of relationships where we connect on shared interests and experiences, I would also really enjoy relationships with people who are generally curious, about anything and everything. So even if I might not fully nerd out, they can engage with surface knowledge on virtually anything at least. I would love to experience more curious people, curious about any and everything — all around me. That way even in their presence I can relax, knowing there’s nothing I could say that would be completely unnecessary. I hate saying unnecessary things.
I’m not sure I’ll share this with anyone honestly though. I always get the vibe that I’m being too serious about things everyone is taking more lightly. But I don’t get it. The reason I feel so strongly about how I connect is because of the sheer infinity in how much there is to know and experience in a person. When energy, time and resources are split between working, experiencing life and connecting with relationships, it only makes sense to for us to be very intentional about where we pour our attention. I just can’t enjoy relationships where I feel I am given scraps, even when I understand that people are drained from work and life. This doesn’t seem too serious to me. But again IDK.
All this aside, I feel most of us just make do with the connections we already have, and in doing that sincerely and earnestly, we somehow stumble upon the diamonds we’re looking for. So maybe, even if I don’t feel like discussing or speaking about certain things, I should at least have the space and ability to engage -11:11- because the people I am connected to would like to. Maybe a part of friendship is the inconvenience? Maybe listening to someone experience a thing you don’t exactly care about, is also how you mine your diamond? Genuinely, I’m not sure. I’m not sure about anything. I only know that I feel dissatisfied, unfulfilled, and that I am concerned I offer a similar subpar thing to others. And even if draw-draw, I find I can no longer accept this. I’m now okay with whatever will result from me probing this dissatisfaction.
I am no longer afraid of losing out on what already isn’t fulfilling — the day’s mantra.
☾ Taurus 3°